Ways to look like you’re busy working when you’re really just pretending to look busy working.

If you are anything like me, corporate America is the mighty succubus slowly drawing the soul out of your once youthful and jubilant body. Lucky for you, over the years I have mastered the art of looking extremely busy and productive while actually not doing a single fucking thing. Now, if you don’t work in an office, this probably isn’t going to help you very much. Sorry, but office supplies are the props required for this academy-award-worthy performance, baby, so if you don’t got ‘em, it ain’t going to work.

If you want to fool your bosses and any other passer-by’s who stroll past your desk gawking your way into thinking you are actually working, try some of these tried-and-true masterful techniques:

1. For starters, you have got to look the part. Leave all out-of-office adventures at the door and get into pretend-to-work mode. Wipe all smiles or glimmers of hope and optimism from your face. Remove those sunglasses off your head, mess up your hair a little bit, put some reading glasses on, and change that facial expression. You are at work now and there is no joy in this sad and dreadful place. We want flat, mundane, empty vibes all over that sweet little face.

2. No doubt you are probably familiar with this one, but it must be mentioned nonetheless. Sit at your desk in front of the computer and proceed to type away franticly on your keyboard while squinting your eyes and pursing your lips ever-so-slightly at the computer screen as though you are writing the most significant, compelling piece of writing you have ever had to write. The key to selling this is maintaining an intrigued and focused facial expression so do not fuck it up. Obviously, this only works if no one else can see your computer screen. Please do not be stupid and start typing away on a blank word document when anyone that walks by can see your computer screen — people are going to think you are having a meltdown… which internally, we both know you are, but I digress.

3. Now if your computer screen is indeed in clear view of anyone passing by, you are going to prepare a decoy screen. What is a decoy screen, you ask? It could be anything that looks like work — an excel sheet, a report, a user account, whatever. Put it together and get it up on the screen pronto. Bonus points if you set it as your wallpaper. And also, if possible, consider moving your desk around so people can’t see WTF you’re doing on your computer, you amateur.

4. Another thing I like to do is pick up the phone and act like I am having an important work-related conversation that requires my undivided attention. This method can also be combined with almost any of the other techniques mentioned on this list and will not only make you appear extremely busy, but will also subliminally showcase your multitasking abilities so yay for you, bitch. Oh, and pro-tip: If doing this on an office phone, call yourself on your cellphone so that your line looks busy and you don’t get a loud ass dial-tone which will be a dead giveaway for anyone standing across from you. Don’t be a dumbass. Thanks.

5. For those of you that have to deal with actual, physical paper files like it is fucking 1992, myself included, please peel yourself away from your desk and saunter on over to one of your lovely, rusty, dented filing cabinets. Open a drawer of your choosing and act as though you are looking for a file or document to save your god damn life… because you are. Let’s be honest — it’s either look busy or start flinging office supplies at your coworkers’ faces. So for the sake of keeping what’s left of your sanity, act like you are rummaging for some super-duper important shit.

6. Let’s say you don’t have a filing cabinet to run to, or you’re just plain lazy and don’t want to get the fuck up from your desk. No shame, I hear that. Well then, I think it is a *perfect time* to run those pesky computer updates we keep hitting snooze on. That is right — Let that motherfucker download the latest Microsoft Office updates, the latest Adobe updates, anti-virus updates, web-security updates, the latest ad-blocker updates — ALL THE FUCKING UPDATES. No updates available? Defragment that bitch. This way, your computer is entirely inaccessible and it is totally out of your hands. Karen calling with an issue on her account? Welp. Tell that twat to leave a message. You are out of mothafucking service. Chew on that, Karen.

7. Get the fuck up and make some copies. Just walk to the machine and start making copies of random shit. Sadly, you can only keep this one going for a so long before you start to raise some eyebrows, but you can mindlessly scroll through Instagram or text your drug-dealer while you hover over the machine waiting for your copies, so albeit brief, it gets the job done. Bonus points if you can do this for actual shit that is used in the office like some generic forms. You’re so productive, baby.

8. Do you have a break room? Are your coworkers also disgusting, class-less pigs with no consideration for those around them? I do not know about you, but my lovely colleagues will bring food to the office and let it fester in the break room for weeks to months on end. If you have the pleasure of working with likeminded barbarians, now is the perfect time to clean that filthy, moldy shit out. If you want to go the extra step, walk around waving the moldy containers asking what nasty ass shit belongs to who and embarrass these animals. It might give you the same sick, twisted pleasure it sometimes gives me. However, that is not particularly necessary. Just toss that gross shit out, tupperware and all. Take your sweet ass time doing this, too. Wipe down the tables, chairs, fridge. Lysol the crap out of everything. This could kill a good 30–45 minutes if you play it right.

9. Speaking of breaks, you are SO incredibly busy and immersed in your work that you cannot even step out to take lunch. You are so overwhelmingly burdened by your ever-increasing workload that you have to take lunch at your desk. Sit at your desk and miserably inhale that BLT or leftover lasagna right over that heavy stack of files that you are just tragically trying to get through. Make sure you leave your office door open so your boss and coworkers can bear witness to the devoted and utmost dedication you give to this job…. andddddd the Oscar goes to……

10. Lastly, disappear. I mean it — REALLY disappear. Houdini, who? Hang a jacket on the back of your squeaky, old office-chair so people know you are still there and walk the fuck away. Go hide in a bathroom, in an empty office, in an empty classroom, take an extended lunch — whatever, just HIDE. Scroll through TikTok, play some CandyCrush, cry a little(I do) and when you feel you’re as refreshed as you’re going to get, go back to the office (or the cave of sadness, as I like to call it) and tell everyone you ran into a client, colleague, student, or whoever in the hallway that needed immediate assistance. You had to walk them to this office or direct them to that parking lot or explain this or that to them. Make some shit up and then go back to your cold, sad, dimly-lit, soul-crushing, little desk where you can repeat steps 1–10 all over again. You’re welcome.